Musings: Losing A Friend(ship)

8:29 AM

Breaking up with a friend sounds a little more accurate.
A loss is a loss, so I guess it's about the same thing.

A friend shared an article on Facebook, To My Friend Who Really Wasn't My Friend. The title was intriguing and I thought I might be able to relate to it. I can think of plenty of friendship that have drifted apart, but there is one friendship that will always stick out in my mind as a big loss. I never thought I'd lose that friend, but unfortunately life had different plans. We are still very cordial, but the friendship that once was, will no longer be that way. I've come to accept it and move on, which is such an odd feeling.

So I clicked on the link and started to read...

...then it became skimming. The article was too negative. Once I hit this line in the article, "Having a friend who isn't truly your friend is miserable." I stopped relating to the article.

Everything before this I was able to relate with and could appreciate:

You don't have to be friends with everyone you meet. But you should at least be nice to them.

Plus, you did start being their friend for a reason. Yes, a good point to remember.

Invest in those who invest in you. Rather good advice, I feel.

Maybe losing a friend like this generally tends to be rather negative for some people, but with me it didn't happen like that at all. I'd like to say it was a mutual decision, but it wasn't. We tried to maintain the friendship, but then, again, it became one-sided on my part for far too long. At a certain point, I just stopped trying. Like with many different things in life, I feel that if you are putting out much more energy and not receiving somewhere near that in reciprocation, cut your loss. Even if it hurts, even if you didn't see it coming, even if it feels slightly wrong. This friend never hurt me or said mean things, they didn't bring negativity into my life. They simply stopped trying to be a friend. I took their cues and I stopped attempting to maintain the friendship.

At this point, I guess maybe you could call us acquaintances, with a well developed history. I have no ill will toward this person, I'm happy for their happiness. But that is the extent of it. The weird part for this particular friendship is that the friendship isn't fully lost, but it is nowhere near where it was for a long time. The occasional text is sent and some big life moments are shared together, but there are no expectations of either party in the friendship. Does that make sense?

When it finally dawned on me that we just wouldn't have the same friendship. I was sad. I wasn't 'break-up' sad, but I was sad. This person knew me very well and we have lots of memories shared, but going forward we wouldn't have those any more. I guess, it was a sadness at what I thought would always be a lifetime friendship. Like I said before, I've drifted apart from friends, but never felt like I actually lost a friend. This was it. This was that feeling. It's not a good one.

This article reminded me that although I don't consider us friends anymore, I appreciate the friendship we did have. I cannot imagine having a 'toxic' friend in my life, like the article describes. If you have someone in your life like that, please break up with that friend. It also makes me grateful for all the amazing friends I'm surrounded by, I'm too old for that toxic shit!

Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know. - Pema Chodron

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  1. I am lucky that I haven't had any toxic friends in my life since high school and even then I didn't encounter many. I don't have tons of friends but I do like to think of myself as someone who works to sustain important friendships. When friendships fade away I'm always a little sad but I am not a fan of one sided friendships and don't have the patience to put constant effort into someone who just drains me.

    1. Yes, not something that one should have to deal with. I only know you through blogging, but I definitely sense your ability to maintain friendships and how important it is to you. We are very similar in that respect. Sometimes, cutting losses isn't as bad as to keep trying is. Xoxo, ganeeban


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