Musings: Uncomfortable4:17 PM
...in my jeans!
Well, how to I put this...because I ripped a hole in them. For us 'thick' girls, it happened right where our thighs rub. I guess just one too much rub in the right spot, left them splitting open. Not embarrassingly enough to need to rush home to change, but uncomfortable enough that walked around for the rest of the day like I had to pee, legs pressed together! As I write this I'm slightly embarrassed, but not really. My little, chubby leg fat spewed out of the fresh rip. It was an odd feeling, since my skin was exposed. I felt vulnerable - because I literally ripped my jeans and because it wrecked my mental game for the day. I was also pissed, because they were Citizens :/ It doesn't matter that they've been worn plenty and gotten their monies worth...I'm still a little bitter about it ;)
After the Napa marathon, I basically stopped running. I was still going to Midtown and playing soccer, but that was the extent of my exercise. Add the SLO Half Marathon a month later and that's about all I'd been doing to take care of my body. Then right when we got back from SLO, literally that afternoon J and I went to go play pick-up soccer and throw around the ball.
Luck would have it, I strained my calf. I've never done this before. I continued to go to Midtown for that week and played soccer a week later. This was the first time I'd ever really felt anything 'pop' on my body before. One wrong move of the leg and my calf felt like it was going to rip open. I hobbled off the field and iced it for the rest of the game. Fast forward one more week and I again, tried to play on it. My friend asked me: "Do you know the definition of insanity?" To which I replied: "Of course!" So needless to say, last night was my third Monday night of playing soccer and leaving the game with a hurt calf.
Being physically out of sorts really takes a toll on your mental stability too. I've been seriously lacking 'body love' lately. I find myself calling my body 'chubby/gross/fatty/etc' and I hate that I do it, but I still do. J has been amazing and always reminds me that he thinks I'm beautiful, but even when he says that I argue with him. I don't politely accept his compliment and try to remember self love.
I feel so incredibly uncomfortable in my clothes. Literally! Everything is tight. How did I get here? Ahh yess... the bad food choices, being indulgent, and lack of working out. Of course I'm looking for reasons to blame, but ultimately it lies in my decisions and my actions. I have to own up it, even though I am dreading it. I know the hard work it takes to get back to where I want to be, but I'm lacking the motivation.
A friend posted an article/link with a catchy title, Why Trying to Be Body Positive Doesn't Work for Me, so I read it. I enjoyed the article and the perspective I gained. Here was a passage that resonated with me:
"Unfortunately though, my thoughts instead went right right to some self-acceptance clichés: “You look great," I told myself, rotely. " Be kind to yourself,” I continued. But guess what? Those affirmations of self-love were every bit as unhelpful and useless as saying nasty things to myself. But why?
Well, here’s the thing, and it's pretty simple actually: that picture had absolutely nothing to do with my belly or my appearance. Of course, I can’t be too hard on myself when considering the fact that I automatically resorted to criticizing my appearance. For women especially, self-criticism like this is the norm; it's something we've been basically raised to do."
I still think that self-accepting cliches are good for the soul, but sometimes they just don't give us insight to the whole picture. They cover our surface insecurities and promote loving ourselves. But they don't remind us to live in the moment, the greater of the situation, or the good that isn't seen by a jean size or belly flab. My jeans ripped, I should probably work on that, but I am lucky to have plenty of other pairs that I can wear. I've worked hard to earn enough income to purchase additional pairs of jeans, I'm not just limited to ones that make me criticize myself because of their newly, fashionable rip in them ;)
I don't think sugar coating my current situation is good either. I need to remind myself that making indulgent choices is all good and well, but must be done with less frequency. If I can't work out as much as I know I need too, then I should really adjust what I'm eating. It doesn't mean salads all day every day, I'd die...it just means healthier and wholesome choices should be made. Sometimes I'm too hard on myself, but no one else will be, so I have too. That might be a strong statement, but I believe it. I have a great support system of friends and family, all of which are crazy supportive. They will immediately tell me I'm not chubby or that I look great, when in reality my jeans and my lulu's are getting to snug in the wrong places. I love them for their support, but I need to get comfortable again.
And because Pinterest knows how to say it best, I found these little nuggets to remind me to keep working toward my comfortable:
I don't want to become so comfortable being uncomfortable, nothing changes...