A Misunderstood Happy

3:03 PM

Sometimes I feel that I give off too much of a happy vibe.

I'm not sure why this accidental pic seems fitting for this post, but it does.
If you were to peruse my Book of Face or Instagram, you'd think I live a pretty happy life. Or so I've been told...

Which I do, I won't argue that. But also, I don't ever want it to be misconstrued that I walk around with my head in the clouds and am happy about every single thing in my life.

Because, I am not. I am the first one to admit that I keep my emotions under lock and key. Yes, there have been a few times where I've come here, to this space to express things that I normally wouldn't. It doesn't happen often enough, but it does from time to time. This random hobby has helped me grow emotionally. I never thought that would be a side effect of this daily habit, but it has. The more I write, the better I understand myself...

Maybe it is a fear of ridicule or judgement, but I like to keep these thoughts close to my heart. Very few get to see or hear these inner thoughts as well. I am uncomfortable discussing them and reserve that right for a select few.

For some reason I felt compelled to share this today. To remind you that although what you see may see one way, it isn't always glittery and perfect. Granted, I don't even come close to thinking I come across as perfect. But just know that beneath the "open book" I tend to be, there is a lot going on in my inner peace (re: turmoil).

If only I was one of those people who could openly share their emotions and feelings, like Jordyn. I think I'm almost afraid of what might actually come out, which is why my thoughts are kept so guarded. Guarded from myself or from someone knowing how I really feel about everything. Other times, I just know that I cannot put my thoughts into words, in a coherent manner.

It's a weird feeling to be happy, yet feel misunderstood more times than not. 

I have so many, like a lot, of things to be grateful for. There isn't a day that goes by that I forget this. But there are things...things I haven't even fully grasped myself, at times. Thoughts of where my life should be, how I should be as a person, and/or where my life is headed. I know I cannot dwell on what has not happened yet, but these are things that I continually think about and place judgement on myself, among other things.

I feel like I am a very emotional person, but one of those under cover emotional beings that tends to keep them tucked away until they are about to explode. This tenancy really comes to light when I'm upset with something. I try to stifle the emotion(s) and hope that they will go away, knowing damn well they will just fester. Fester and eat me alive, until I explode and attempt to figure it out. It's not a healthy habit, but at least now, I can recognize when I'm doing it.

I'm happy, but I think it's a misunderstood happy...

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  1. I think it can be very difficult to openly share emotions (especially the not so happy ones). I honestly think it takes practice to be able to communicate sadness, anger and displeasure without feeling like (or seeming like) you are complaining. I know that for me I need to express how I feel at all times (it's my therapy) but it is always a struggle for me knowing how much of an actual situation to share (as opposed to just how I am feeling about it). Thanks for sharing your perspective here and thanks for the compliment about how I share my emotions. It means a lot to me (:

  2. Yes, practicing has helped tremendously. Sometimes I just need to remind myself that if I get it over with, I won't agonize over it more than I need to. It's nice to know there are others out there who struggle with sharing the situation vs your feelings. But, thanks for always keeping it honest, I can appreciate it! xoxo, ganeeban


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