My Confidence Gap

10:48 AM

Confidence or lack thereof?

I had every intention of doing a Five Things Friday post, but after a conversation with J yesterday (one of a few) I couldn't shake my thoughts on this subject. 

What is confidence? I'm not sure I even have this answered in my own head or thoughts. Sorry if this post seem slightly incoherent, my thoughts are all over place, and I'm trying to figure out my feelings as I write this post. 

If you watched the Mindy Project this week, then you'll understand why our original conversation started. After the episode ended, I made the statement "I am not that confident." J seemed to think otherwise, which he has told me multiple times. I asked for reasons why, because although he sees me in such a light I wish I could see myself, I can't see these things.

Thus, he brought out his iPhone, went to Instagram and found a recent selfie I posted. My thought: How do confidence and a selfie correlate? He said that I wouldn't have posted that selfie if I wasn't confident. 

Said IG selfie.
The truth behind the selfie. I was literally bored, sitting in my hair dresser chair, waiting for my color to set. I had a row of foils in my hair and was killing time. I had an idea for an upcoming post, so I was trying to take a pic of my lips. The lighting was good, but I was extremely oily. It wasn't awful, so I decided to embrace my oiliness as my esthetician had said I should, and posted it. That was that.

I told him that I didn't think one had to be confident to post a selfie, one just has to push a few buttons on their iPhone and wa-la, you have put yet another picture of your face into the wide world of social media. Then he looked through more of my IG and found another selfie (which was one after a long run) and said that I knew what I was doing when I posted each selfie.

Okay, you caught me. Of course I enjoy likes and comments on my pictures, who doesn't? But I don't necessarily post selfies because I need validation from likes or comments - which, as I type this, might be why I didn't agree with him, because I thought he was insinuating this. I post everything. I am an open book. I don't think it takes a confident person to be an open book, it is just a choice one makes. I cannot tell you why I think it's okay to post selfies, I just do. I don't mind them, although I have plenty of friends that do. They will adamantly say that they won't post a selfie, which is cool with me - do what makes you happy, it's your social media (not mine).

Okay, I digress...back to confidence.

I don't feel confident most of the time, although I wish I did. There are times when I do, but I wouldn't classify myself as a confident person. Maybe I'm really good at pretending that I am, but deep inside I am overly critical of myself. I will always find something that I don't like about myself. To me, a confident person can over look or accept those self doubts, both of which I cannot. I'm not in my dream job, nor do I have all the money in the world, both of which I feel a confident person would achieve or strongly go after. I use makeup to cover my imperfections, but I feel a confident woman would be able to go without make up and not bat an eye. That would be too hard for me, especially since I'm very self aware of my red blotchy skin lately.

I'm 32 years old and have my life in decent order (in my opinion), but by no means do I feel confident with where I am in my life. Maybe I don't ooze self doubt, but don't be fooled, it rears it's ugly head all the time, it just stays swirling in my thoughts.

Maybe my ideas of confidence (in a woman) have been cultivated from countless actresses in movies or TV shows. Those women walk with their head held high, don't take shit from anyone, and always go for whatever they dream of. I just don't feel like that type of confident woman. If I were that confident, I'd go for jobs that I'm not qualified for. If I were that confident, I'd be comfortable in my own skin. If I were that confident, I wouldn't care what others are doing/achieving/wearing/etc. A confident woman wouldn't get nervous for interviews or presentations, but I sweatily do.

I have so many things to be grateful for, that I choose to live my life enjoying those people and things. Many of these don't require me to be a confident woman, they allow me to be the woman I feel like I am. They accept me, no matter what form I present myself, wholeheartedly. So maybe this is why I don't feel confident. Because those around me, have lifted me to enjoy and love the life I live. Does being happy correlate with being confident? Ideally, I wouldn't think so, but maybe in my case it does. Maybe my happiness exudes I am a confident woman, although internally it's a whole different story.

I believe in myself, I just don't consider myself a confident person...

Are you confident?

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6 comments

  1. Everyone has feelings of doubt inside. You just can't let that hold you back from anything. To me you seem very confident. I think happiness does correlate with being confident. Being critical of yourself isn't always a bad thing. Learn from things you may not like and change them. It's not always easy.
    I have started to really work on myself. I know I can be impatient, something that causes me a lot of frustration. When I first meet people I often think they don't like me, I get told that people think I am mean or stuck up when they first meet me. Which comes from being a quiet person, I think. All of those things I am working on.
    Maybe you don't feel it all the time but I see it. And you're one of the nicest and thoughtful people I know :)

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    1. Hi H! Your words ring true. I've enjoyed the dialogue this topic brings up. We all have such varying degrees of what 'confidence' means, not to say that one or another is right/wrong/better/worse. I think it's awesome you recognize things within yourself and are working on them, that's all we can ask for - is to keep trying to be better than the next day (J's fave saying). So, kudos to you and I never once thought you stuck up or mean, you are on of the sweetest girls I know! Happy running this weekend! xoxo, ganeban

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  2. It sounds like you, J and the media have very different definitions of what "confident" is. I wouldn't say one woman who wears makeup is less confident than a woman who doesn't wear a stitch of it. I think being confident really ties strongly to happiness, but also being content with how your life is - however you decide that to be. I think that confidence really comes the place and time when you decide to stop comparing your life to others. Stop saying, "I should.." do this or that. When you live in "should-land" you're living in self doubt.

    That being said, I do think you are confident. Overly confident? No, but that's kinda a good thing. You don't want to boastful, do you? (if you do, cool.). You describe yourself as an open book, which does, as J hinted, allow some sort of confidence. You're content enough with yourself that you're not hiding parts of your life. Now, maybe you need to be confident in saying you're confident?

    We all have parts of ourselves we like more than others. And confidence comes sharing and leading with those parts that we do like. Of course you can always sit back and pick apart everything about yourself to the point you reduce yourself to tears, but where is the fun, health or productivity in that? And why would you do that? Like you brought up in the post about writing a love letter to yourself, do you love yourself enough NOT to do that? I think you do.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks for your response. I've enjoyed the perspective you give on what I've said. I'm still trying to figure it out, but appreciate the dialogue that this has started. I agree, no need to tear myself down with my own negativity. But I guess I need to re-asses my views on "confidence". Still and always...a work in progress. xoxo, ganeeban

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  3. I think some women struggle with the idea of confidence because sometimes it gets confused for ego. I say own your awesome and be proud! But don't be a jerk, confident people are still nice too :)

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  4. I agree, maybe that's why I don't say I'm confident. Because to me, the lines between confidence, egotistical, and conceited may all be blurry - even though I don't necessarily believe that completely. HAHA, love the "don't be a jerk..." xoxo, ganeeban

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